HIDE MY AFFAIR
How To Keep Your Affair Hidden
If you’re plagued with a conscience don’t act differently after your misdoings.
* Give incorrect information everywhere. If possible while out & about use an alias for yourself.
* Never give too much detail about your personal life. Family, Career, home, etc. Added help make this “alternate persona” one that travels a great deal. Always be a moving target.
* Everything is a cover. Every person, every place, every situation is usable material. Leveraging real people, places & events to create your cover gives it a sense of legitimacy. Every situation you encounter is about identifying and working out the angles.
* If married, never wear your wedding ring during any secret adventures.
* Social Networking, don’t do it. Myspace, Facebook, Twitter, Linked In, etc are all bad news if you’ve got secrets to conceal. They provide a borderless intersection for your hidden life and legit life to interact. This is a sure fire way to get pinched. Use The Web 2.0 Suicide Machine to free yourself from this scene: http://suicidemachine.org
* DELETE, DELETE, DELETE. Delete call logs, emails, texts, messages, Internet Browser History, etc.
* “Sex-ting” or sending provocative photos via text messages. Try not to engage in this fun as it may be. If so don’t use your “real” cell phone to send or receive. Also if required to send (and I know this may seem silly) Google for images that have a certain likeness and send those. If the heat comes down on you a comparison will prove it’s not you in the shots.
* Avoid public photos altogether. If in a social gathering and cameras start popping out of pockets and purses offer to take the shots. If there is no way around them without disrupting the flow of the evening and you end up in a shot, volunteer to take additional shots later.
Anything to give you a minute alone with the camera. Don’t attempt to learn to work the camera, locate the image and delete it manually. This will require way too much time and arouse suspicion.
Do a delete all or pull the memory card. I actually keep a spare SD & Memory stick with me for these situations. As long as the camera continues to work after you return it you should be able to get away with it. Bonus is you never know what else is on that Camera : )
* Before embarking on a trip or night out take cell phone shots of your work setting or even in front of the workplace bathroom mirror that day. Should you be asked for proof of your location via a phone picture you’ll be ready. Be sure to purge them once the night is over.
* Use your alternate Email / Google voice number when contacting your hidden life contacts.
* Never leave a voicemail on your lover’s phone. This recorded message of your voice can come back to bite you.
* Electronic Billing. Set this up for anything that may fall in to the wrong hands if sent in the mail. Bank statements, credit cards, Phone bills, etc.
* Use cash whenever possible, if not default to your Paypal Debit or prepaid card.
* A hangout that’s attached to or within the immediate vicinity of a hotel is always preferred.
Even if you aren’t booking a room for the evening, hotels have several extras to assist you.
For example empty conference rooms make ideal locations to make or take calls from. Business centers provide access to a computer with internet access and printing/photo copying if necessary and last but not least onsite washer dryers for emergencies.
* Beware of smells. Mostly cigarettes and Alcohol. Nothing screams out wrong doing more. For light smells try a few minutes of high speed driving with the windows down.
Tougher odors will require a little something extra. Have access to a dryer and throw the clothes in at the highest possible setting with a couple of fabric softener sheets.
Start with 15min intervals and work your way up from there until your clothes have no specific scent. For your hair a hand dryer is also effective. Put your head under one for a bit.
* DNA. Try to not leave with any extra of it. “Foreign” hair is always a dead giveaway. Search your body and clothes for it. A lint remover is a quick and handy tool for this. Semen stains are also a BIG no no. No one wants Monica’s stained blue dress showing up.
Depending on the severity of the stain and the importance/relevance of the article of clothing, disposal is always the best answer. Try your best work with a stain stick or other portable cleaning product. A UV lamp is also a good way to identify traces.
* If you know you’re in for a questionable night pack or always have an extra change of clothes handy. A dryer can help the smell of your cloths but can’t help you against glitter & vanilla body spray. Make sure to wash the poll dancer off before returning to real life.
* Drink of choice. If you pound 10 beers before you get home you’ll smell of a brewery. There’s no cleaning your insides out without a significant amount of time. Same goes for Scotch, Cognac, Wine, Champagne, Gin, Rum, etc… Vodka is your friend. Learn to love it.
While any spirits in large quantities will be a dead giveaway (not to mention you’ll be drunk off your ass) Vodka in moderation is the most concealable. Sure fire easy selection Vodka & OJ however feel free to experiment with Cranberry, Energy drinks, etc. We find that Tonic or Club soda is a no go.
* Always practice safe sex.
* Lastly embrace one token of safety amidst all your evil deeds. If you drink too much then simply don’t drive. Pre-plan if necessary. Two biggest reasons are A. The good time is never worth yours or anyone else’s life & B. There is no explaining away a DUI. It will instantly undermine all cover you’ve laid in the past and you’ll find yourself in a world of guilt both at home and at work. That is if it doesn’t lead to you loosing those two as well. So think ahead and live to debauch another day.
